What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 10:11
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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She loved him until the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do most people care so much about what others think? Are they afraid of society norms?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was seconnd youngest,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im still living with it.
When she asked me how she looked .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why do our deceased do not protect us from other bad spirits?
(And it was in our own minds.)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Put me off passion for life!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i lived it daily.
I don,t even have a pension.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I write beautiful poetry .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Would this be the day?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She married twice! .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Who then, do I blame.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My life is so biszare .
I think the readers, may guess!
I said to her
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He resisted the act ,that day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why did i forgive my father ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ive learnt so much.
I will be 64.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So whats the point in blame.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I waited trembling.
All the time i was locked up.
I could never make a relationship work though!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She found it foreign!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is soul school!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She wouldn,t have been !
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We were not on the streets..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it wasn’t much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was in good health!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It was going to be , some day.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My family never makes their pension either.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was very sick at this time too.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We all went to grammer schools
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Comes on , in middle age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
So, i spoilt her more .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.